The Desire for Exposure

I met with a woman a few weeks back who kept going over and over and over the abuses her husband was doing to her. I told her she needed to stop focusing so much attention on him. I said, “I know you want people to see him for who he really is, instead of the charming facade he puts on, but you have to let God deal with him.”

YES! She shouted. That’s it exactly.

I am so there. Sometimes I “leak” out my anger and I don’t always have a good handle on my resentment of my husband for what he does–or doesn’t do–for me and our children.

I wish I had words of wisdom to bestow about this because I’m still in process myself. I probably always will be as long as my husband is alive. I’m not delusional enough to think that the abuses will cease if we separated or divorced. I would expect them to get worse.

So we lick our emotional wounds in private, and maybe tell a few close friends when what we would really like is for him to be exposed for the jerk he is. Does Maury Povich still do those shows?

I do not want to air my family’s dirty laundry on national television. I do want my husband to be confronted with his sin. Oh, wait, he has been, but is unrepentant. *sigh.*

There is a very real struggle that takes place inside of me that wants to wallow as a victim because I’m so desperate for love and affection and someone to understand my pain.

Sometimes I rise above and can stand as a victor, but I have no magic formula for getting there. I have some ideas though:

  • Seeking a deeper understanding of who God is — all His attributes and how much He really does love and delight in me. (you will get this best by spending time in the Bible)
  • Spending time forging a life for myself apart from my husband and using my gifts and talents for God.
  • Getting therapy to help me think right about the world around me and my place in it, because my husband sometimes messes with that due to his own twisted version of reality.
  • Pray and ask God to intervene.
  • Share with safe friends my struggle, but also being aware that chronic marriage issues are hard for others to hear too much of too often. Their thinking is often “Well, just leave him then.” That is not always the answer though and I need to listen to God and God alone for that step.

The holidays are especially tough when we might be with people who will see the dysfunction and disintegration of your marriage. It is hard to not talk and defend your position while at the same time not badmouthing your spouse. It is hard to shrug off that cloak of shame because so many people paint you with your husband’s behavior – as if you are him. (You are not).

Cut yourself some grace this season. If there is something nice you can do for yourself–do it. Even if it is only coffee with a friend. Or a long prayer walk. Relaxing with a good book. Know that you are dearly loved and you are not alone in your struggle.

God has your back. He knows what is going on in your marriage and you can trust him to whack your husband upside the head. Just remember to duck and stay out of God’s way.