Where do I go with all this Neediness in a Difficult Marriage?

Let’s face it, we all have needs. Maslow has his hierarchy of needs expressed like this:


Now, I now Maslow’s self-actualization is not necessarily Christian, but let’s just consider for a few moment the general revelation expressed in this triangle. The theory postulates that for an individual to reach their full potential, they must have their needs met and these needs are stacked according to importance–physically and emotionally–to the human.


Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

What happens often in a difficult marriage, is that the person closest to us, who promised to help fulfill these deep and very real needs in our lives, has been unable, failed or refused to do so.

Now hopefully we can be safe. But even mental illness, addictions and health problems can interfere with our feelings of emotional safety when the one who promised…cannot or won’t provide that. We can seek tha in the church but sometimes it seems the burden we have is too much for one person – or even a few.

I recently lost a friend. Another has been unavailable. A dear one suffered a loss and has her own issues to cope with. So at this point, “love/belonging” feels foreign to me. The enemy even tells me that I wouldn’t be missed if I didn’t exist. I know in my head that this is not true, but the part of me that wants to have a pity party doesn’t want to listen.

The fact is, I’m crawling and climbing to be all God has created me to be, with a gaping wound in my heart. A band-aid smile doesn’t cut it.

But where does one go with the pain?

I’ll admit I sometimes anesthetized with food – sugar in particular. Nasty thing that. And work. I bury myself in work so I don’t have to think. But in doing so I avoid the processing that can be helpful all in order to escape the pain.

I’ve been so tired lately. Depression will do that.

There are very few people in my life whose esteem I trusted. Who I believed when they spoke into my life about my worth. One of them died a few years back and the loss still, at times, feels fresh. As if his words wouldn’t still have value. Another is unavailable right now and I respect that.

I dont’ want to be appeased so that someone else feels better. I want to know that I’m okay. That I’m going to be okay. Because right now, I’m not.

And I’m not quite sure where to go with all that. This too shall pass in time. It’s the ebb and flow of the painful reality in which I live.


Lilly Grace




1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Jannelle
    Jul 03, 2014 @ 13:49:34

    Many of us were taught Christian patriarchal model puts a woman’s hierarchy of needs in the hands of her husband. As you pointed out, men fail too often to fulfill our needs. It’s like they are human or something. Then there are seasons when we lack female relationships to help us through. I have to confess that I will pamper myself and am learning to do that without food binging to fill the void. Also, I try to be on watch for the enemy who will try to get a foothold where bitterness and self-pity have taken root. I find it helpful to take teetering hierarchy of needs to the Lord and leave the mess in His hands. Mine has holes like a block of swiss cheese but I rest on His promises to get me through the next hour and on to victory.


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