Is It Wrong to Long for “Happy?”

Marriage is not about our happiness. It is about our holiness.

I often say this, because I believe it. But the reality is this.

I would really like some “happy”. 

Image courtesy of farconville /

Image courtesy of farconville /

I think that’s a curse handed down for generations. I was told as a kid to “follow my heart.” But Scripture says the heart is deceitful above all. So that advice isn’t really helpful. And the fact is, maybe I did follow it down a path that I thought would lead me to happiness–by marrying a man who in hindsight was not a good choice for me.

But at the time I didn’t think I had any other choices.

No one will want you. This was a message I was given as a kid. But you know what? It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy because even though I got married, the reality is, my husband doesn’t want me. I’m not blonde enough. I’m not thin enough. I obviously do not worship him the way he desires.

I did try three burnt offerings a day but it went unappreciated.

I’m joking, I am a good cook and he eats too much of whatever it is I make.

The fact is, I have to grieve what I don’t get. I don’t get to be treasured. I don’t get to be protected. I am barely provided for. As a person I am non-existent unless it is important, or he finds something to fault me for.

But I would still like happy.

I want happy for others too . . . and this has caused some problems. See I tried to help a friend going through a tough time in her marriage. That’s not the problem. The problem was I took the weight of her pain and added it to my own. And I wanted to try to fix it.

Fixing my difficult marriage or someone else’s is not my job.

It’s God’s responsibility.

And I have to learn to let go of happy for not only me–but for others.  I wish I could say this is easy but it’s not. See, I would love to see adulterous men held accountable. I would like to see abusive men confronted.

Not my job. And the reality is sometimes those confrontations cause even more pain for an already hurting wife (or ex-wife). I need to let God take responsibility because He can handle the consequences as well. It’s not my job to save the world.

Whew, what a relief!

My heart aches for those who are hurting in difficult marriages. My heart yearns for someone to speak God’s truth to my own husband about his behaviors or, as my pastor sometimes refers to it, put on a velvet glove and smack him upside the face. As part of a desire to be rescued from our pain, I suspect that wish is only natural.

But God is sovereign. He sees your pain. He sees mine. He knows the beginning from the end and none of this journey is wasted as we persevere in our difficult marriages. He is good. Faithful. Provider. Even when my logical mind can’t figure out the way he’ll work things out, maybe that’s even more reason for me to hide in that. So I will trust in Him.

And maybe in that place of trust and peace, I’ll find my own version of happy.


Lilly Grace


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