No One to Warm Me Up.

Image courtesy of imagerymajestic /

Image courtesy of imagerymajestic /

I have avoided, up to this point, talking about the more physical aspects of a broken marriage. I’ll be honest though that it has been years since I have had sex. Not that I don’t desire the intimacy or long to be touched and cherished. I do. Very much.

But my husband slammed the door on that years ago and I’ve had no desire to approach it with him. I don’t approach it with anyone else either, just to be clear.

As long as I choose to be married (or even sepearated), I am not free to pursue a relationship with another man. Even as a friend.

Ouch. Yes, I said that. Only becuase I have had male friends in the past who were closer to me emotionally than my husband. I didn’t know at the time that this was an emotional affair. The sad and tragic thing about it was that both our spouses were thrilled with our relationship. Maybe because they didn’t have to meet our needs? Can you imagine spouses encouraging such a thing? Well, the sad thing is, ours did.

That’s long ago in the past and while I sad to lose a good friend, I am glad that I was spared the opportunity to take it deeper and further. Often that is where an emotional affair ends up being physical.

Affairs are usually not about sex, but about intimacy.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to be intimate again. Would I even know how – emotionally and physically? I obviously didn’t do it well the first time around but then, it takes two, doesn’t it?

Now, I find some release of those needs through writing and reading inspirational romance novels. I have at times fasted from them. I have a dear friend who won’t read them because it highlights to her all that she does not have in her difficult marriage. These books are not  porn, but they remind me that such love does exist.

Sometimes hearing and watching couples who have intimacy and adore each other for years and years and years, is what highlights more to me what I lack than reading a novel ever does.

Marriage is not about happiness or sexual fulfillment although in a good one, those come as bonuses. Marriage is about holiness, how we let our struggles grow us in Christ. And even in this lack of physical affection, Christ is still there to walk me through. Sometimes friends around who can be Jesus with skin on, help.

I have to remember that a disease or accident or other tragedy can bring a couple to this pass and God doesn’t hand out “get out of marriage” cards willy nilly. Sometimes life is just hard.

And God walks through it with us, loving us, even when our spouse can’t.


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