I’m So Done

Image courtesy of smarnad / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of smarnad / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

When I hear talks about God restoring marriages, I shake my head.

I don’t want my marriage restored. I never had a good marriage and trying to reset it back to the beginning doesn’t make anything better.

I want more than that. I want something new. I’m done with this crap of being treated like I’m worthless and don’t matter and don’t deserve to be heard, understood and cared for.

Too often men especially, find themselves surprised when they are served divorce papers as if the marriage suddenly fell apart. Typically the woman emotionally left a long time ago. He just never noticed. Or cared.

So what do I do with these feelings?

I take them to God and I blog about them. Huh. Go figure.

See, while it matters to God how I feel, he does not ask me to make my decisions based on that. He asks me to obey him regardless of my emotions. To trust him for the future.

So why don’t I want to save my marriage? Well, it’s not exactly that I don’t want to. I’m realistic. Should my husband repent and want to work on a new relationship with me as his wife, we start back almost at ground zero but with a whole lot of distrust that has to be re-earned. It took my husband seven years- SEVEN!–Before he finally decided he’d marry me. I can’t guarantee it wouldn’t take me that long or longer to accept a new husband in the same (but much older) body. The process of making a marriage a new creation would be messy and painful. Only then there would be the hope of something better on the other side. But there’s no glimmer now so I hold tight to God instead.

I’m tired of pain. I’m tired of rejection and I’m tired of insults. My heart no longer picks up the mantle of shame my husband tries to dish out to me when I don’t react like he wants. It’s not a marriage anymore. He’s an annoying roommate.

Sigh.

No pity. Don’t comment with your “loving” demands that I leave. I know my options. I willingly choose to obey God and for now, he says stay. Working on the marriage involves poking a grizzly bear and I just don’t care enough to do it right now. But God can work in and through and around me to his great purposes and when taking the risk of that poke is needed, Jesus will be the one helping me hold that poker.

I’m so glad he loves me right where I am. No matter what.

How about you? If you are in a difficult marriage are you hopeful or are you like me, feeling done and tired and if you could walk away you would. What helps you to stay?

Blessings,
Lilly Grace

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9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Stephstarshak@yahoo.com
    Jan 23, 2014 @ 08:21:18

    Lilly Grace, Its such a beautiful name I must say. That’s EXACTLY HOW I FEEL. HE TOOK MY WORK PHONE just hoping to find something juicy he could use in divorce court, he’s riffled through my things hoping…to find something…He is super involved with the kids now to the point where I am not allowed to do anything. He tells the kids I’m lazy. I have no choice at least he thinks He finishes everything for me. WHY? When we got to court to fight over joint custody, he thinks that if stays home at does not work and lets his gross income go way down…He will get primary custody over the kids. He will not have to pay alimony or child support. He wants the kids for two weeks straight and then me for two weeks. No way! He will cause them too much damage. Because he has taken these drastic measures which I never thought he would stoop too. Do I want him back? NO!

    Thanks for writing this! Its so timely! So timely. Our first temporary hearing is mid-February. I have faith in God that justice will be served to him. I am not stooping that low to do the things he has done to me. He is a sick man in his head!

    You are such a treasure Lilly! A gift to us! Keep blogging!!

    Reply

    • lillygracebrown
      Jan 23, 2014 @ 09:47:02

      Wow, Stephanie. I’m sorry things have become so much more difficult for you. Another author friend wrote a book called CHristian Chick’s guid to surviving divorce (http://www.amazon.com/dp/1938499743/) It is put out by the same publsher that will be publishing my book in September. Might be worth checking out. Any time you want to meet again for coffee or lunch – let me know. Praying for you!

      Reply

  2. Stephstarshak@yahoo.com
    Jan 23, 2014 @ 08:25:56

    7 years. OUCH. I know how much that deeply hurts. My first fiancé did that to me. Well, after the 7th year of not taking a step forward. I gave him back our engagement ring. I am never going to let that happen again. I’m sorry Lilly that this has happened to you. You deserve better. I just want to scream in his face for you!!
    I believe letting God handle him will be better. The consequences will be worse.

    Reply

    • lillygracebrown
      Jan 23, 2014 @ 09:48:29

      Yeah. I was a different gal back then. I can say one thing for the trials I have been through, God has grown me into a better woman because of them. I cannot imagine the pain women go through without Jesus and the comfort of the Holy Spirt. And yes, God’s consequences are far worse!

      Reply

  3. Celena McDonnell
    Jan 24, 2014 @ 12:46:56

    I left, Lilly. Rather, I made HIM leave. It’s been almost 6 years and I’ve been raising 6 children on my own since then. Because of how his behavior was affecting our children, I knew God was on my side with that decision, and it was a sacrifice. He has continued to support and protect us, on our own, so I’ve never doubted He was guiding me. Good luck to you and be sure you are listening!

    Reply

    • Stephanie Starshak
      Jan 27, 2014 @ 12:19:29

      6 children! Wow. How did you get through this? I only have 3.

      Reply

    • lillygracebrown
      Jan 27, 2014 @ 17:03:47

      Celena, I have great admiration for you. I would never tell someone they cannot leave or seperate. That is truly between you and God and I am thankful that you understand that for me as well. No choice is easy and do to this with six children is amazing. I’m the oldest of six so I have a small idea of how much you have on your plate. Six years though has proven to you that you can do it. Blessings to you! Have you connected with my friend Elisabeth Corcoran? She has a book out and a web page. You are further along the path than her but still, you might want to look her up: http://www.elisabethcorcoran.com/

      Reply

  4. BAN Exeter UK
    Jan 28, 2014 @ 06:54:53

    Hi Lilly Grace,

    My situation is different from yours, as my husband has ‘only’ had a short affair with an other woman. My whole world collapsed the moment I found out.

    At that time there was never one thought about leaving or getting divorced. I really think that in the first few months I’ve been very stong, by God’s grace only. My H was in his affair fog, so I had to do a lot of hard work.

    I knew we belonged together and the words ‘patience’ and ‘trust’ kept going through my head the first whole year after D-Day. Just like you know you have to stay (at the moment) I knew that we were meant to be together. Still, even after all that had happened.

    Thankfully, we are in a much better place now. It’s not always easy to forget what has happened and I still get triggers.

    I couldn’t have done it without God.

    Mara x

    Reply

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