Buried Alive

Sometimes, being in a difficult marriage, I feel like I’ve been buried alive. For my own safety (emotionally), I can’t speak my mind on things. I suffer more when I do. So at home I don’t always recognize the woman I’ve become and burying my emotions kills something else in my . . .

motivation.

dignity.

peace.

happiness.

Where I live, winter has hit with a vengeance. Not so much with the snow, although I’m sure more of that is coming. Take away sunshine and add it to more confined times where I have to interact with my spouse and depression can rear it’s head with more force than usual.

Image courtesy of winnond / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of winnond / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It’s like more dirt being shoveled on the grave of my personhood.

Wow. Isn’t that a cheerful thought?

Many years ago, my toddler son drew a picture of me. I wore a frown. The picture made me sad because that was how my child saw me. I realized then that I needed to work harder to claw my way out of the grave my spouse had dug for me and had pushed me into emotionally. So I worked to be more the mom I wanted to be regardless of how I felt. It wasn’t easy. I shed my tears in private and poured out my pain to my journal, my therapist and a few trusted and safe friends who would remind me again of God’s faithfulness and provision for my needs and that yes, he sees my agony.

By the time my daughter came to join our family, the pictures showed me smiling. My kids are all older now and do not hesitate to call me silly. My teenage son now has to fight to keep from smiling some times (because that would not be cool) as I tease him.  I am honest with them when I’m not feeling well (emotionally or physically) without going into the why. I’m honest about what is wrong because now they can see it. I do not confide in them the depth of my struggle because I don’t want my kids to be buried either.

When my husband leaves town, it’s like the dead come even more to life and there is greater calm in my house. We are learning to laugh a lot when my husband is not around. His behavior is now burying him alive in all that he loses in the light and love of a family. I’m not shoveling the dirt on him though. He is doing it himself.

And I find it sad that his choices have done that to him even though it’s a natural consequence. See, he has a do not resuscitate order on his heart and on our marriage. I can pray, but now the only one who can dig him out, is himself. All he has to do is reach his hand up to God in repentance and I’m sure it would happen.

In the meantime, I will keep shoveling the dirt he tries to toss at me, back  to him. I will reach up and hold on to the God who rescues time and time again.

I waited patiently for the Lord;

And He inclined to me, and heard my cry.

He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay;

And he set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm.

And He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise of our God;

Many will see and fear, and will trust in the LORD.

(Psalm 40:1-3 NASB)

Blessings to you,

Lilly Grace

 

 

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Tamara
    Jan 09, 2014 @ 07:13:02

    I feel this way all of the time….thank you for this post and all of your posts….it helps me to know that I am not alone.

    Reply

  2. Sharon Brooks
    Jan 09, 2014 @ 08:31:23

    This excerpt from Psalms 91 speaks most dearly to my heart.

    He that dwelleth in the secret place of the Most High
    shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
    I will say of the LORD,
    He is my refuge and my fortress:
    my God; in him will I trust.

    Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him:
    I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.
    He shall call upon me, and I will answer him:
    I will be with him in trouble;
    I will deliver him, and honor him.

    Sometimes we have to be smashed and smashed into the ground, until all that comes up is love.The Lord is using your husband as a teacher of unconditional love. I too have been you, are you. Through grace alone, the world around me has changed somewhat. However, the most marvelous change has come from within me. And it is from there I see, hear and feel Him, which in turn, changes the way I see everything else. What so many times is overlooked, if not outright forgotten is that he matters and has feelings just like you do. We have done things in our lives that have hurt others, perhaps even a lot. We wanted to be forgiven for what might be deemed unforgivable, loved even though we didn’t. He is no different. And more one thing…

    Yes, love is the greatest of gifts. Too long have we forgotten its efficacy, its real meaning. Seemingly so small as it lay hidden, until its potency is revealed to the one experiencing it from within… or without.
    From a heart that acknowledges its presence, love does what it must do. It forgives, understands, has compassion. However, this love also holds within it courage, and a strength that knows no limits; wild and freely given to all.
    Love demands nothing and yet, it doesn’t roll over. It stands at times from the shakiest of knees, with a resolve that says, ‘no’ this is not the way.
    Are you… ready for love? * smiles*

    Bless you… * bows*

    Reply

  3. Stephanie
    Jan 10, 2014 @ 23:25:43

    Susan, I can totally relate to this post. Thank you for giving me words to express how I feel . I never feel alone when I read your posts. Thanks for always helping me to think eternally to…trust God with this mess my soon to be ex-husband created. I always feel filled with hope after I read your posts. Know that I am always praying for you too!!

    Reply

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