The Double-minded Marriage.

James 1: 5-8 says:

“But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God who gives to all men generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. but let him ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea drive and tossed by the wind. For let not that man expect he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways. 

If you read that and said “Yeah, but Lilly Grace, that’s about a person – not a marriage.” You would be correct. Except that when a couple marries, they become one.

This isn’t going to be a post that encourages you to stay married. I apologize for that. Instead it is about the harsh reality in which some of us live, especially if we have a spouse who is abusive in anyway (verbal, emotional, financial, sexual . . .).  Patricia Evans in her book The Verbally Abusive Relationship delineates that an abuser isn’t thinking in the same reality that we are. It’s like there are two realities in one home.

Let me illustrate.

My husband told me that I could take X amount of dollars out of the business account a week to provide for the needs of our family (groceries, gas for the car, clothes for kids, etc). On Monday’s I would go to take out my “allowance.” Unfortunately many times there was not any money there for me to take. Or he would have failed to budget for it and the account would get overdrawn. So he blamed me.  Then he complained (to others) that I embezzled from the company. When we finally sat down and went over the figures I was able to prove that the money that disappeared form his account was actually withdrawn by him. I took out far less than he did, and far less than he claimed.

He still claims I embezzled – even confronted with the truth. After all, it’s much nicer to blame the wife than to accept responsibility for your own financial mismanagement and failure to provide for your family.

Two different realities. One roof. A double-minded marriage.

This more than two different perspectives with a need for compromise. This is a battle over facts.

I have been beating myself up for the fact that I continue to get angry over my husbands reality. He isn’t going to change barring a miracle of God. At some point I may even need to be part of the stimulus for that. But I seek wisdom in the waiting and God’s leading even though so many times I just want out.

Have you ever been there?

The fact is my husband doesn’t want to change. He doesn’t want to admit he’s wrong. He doesn’t want to see that what he often says is the opposite of the way he lives and acts – as a husband, father, or even a Christian.

He fools a lot of people. He doesn’t fool me or our children.

Unstable. Untenable in some respects. I have to give up the ideal that he is ever going to see my reality and accept it and I need to fight to stay grounded in truth in spite of the accusations and lies he might try to sway me with. His interpretation is skewed far more than the average person.

Yes, I sin. Yes, I fail. Yes, I sometimes want to cast all blame on my husband when I have some part in it. I’m trying hard to own my failures and face them in spite of my fears. God is good and gracious in the midst of it all.

Can you relate? Is your marriage unstable because your spouse lives in a different reality and sees things through a distorted looking glass as he gazes at the world outside his head?

My pastor, my therapist and my close friends who know the truth help me stay grounded and from being sucked into that madness. That, and the Holy Word of God. I”m so grateful for His provision and faithfulness in the midst of the insecurity of an unstable marriage. I long for the day when God rescues me from it entirely.

 

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