Is There Anything You Can’t Do?

I used to lead Women’s Ministry and I have three children and then one day I was playing guitar on a worship team at church. One gal came up to me afterwards and said “Is there anything you can’t do?” I laughed and said, “I’m not the best housekeeper!”

I think back to that and I’m in a different home that is easier to keep clean (kids are older too so that helps) and yet I realized to my sorrow that there is one thing I cannot do.

I cannot be the wife God intended me to be by design.

Oh, I am married on paper with vows taken before God, and have been for 22 years. But emotionally I’ve been distanced from my husband for eight years since his abuse has escalated and behaviors have prevented and hindered intimacy of any kind. I stopped wearing my wedding ring years ago because emotionally I had disengaged from the marriage. At that time my husband was not even sleeping in our bed. It seemed a farce to wear a diamond when I felt like trash. (I do wear A ring on my finger to signal I am unavailable)

I’m faithful. I keep house and buy groceries (when he stoops low enough to honor me with the resources to do so). I prepare food for him to eat and wash his clothes. I take care of the children and I try to stay as far out of his way whenever and wherever possible and limit my communication to him to only what is most essential in managing our various calendars and the needs of the children.

That’s not a relationship. It isn’t. It’s more like a business transaction but with someone you don’t trust and don’t like.

It’s not  a marriage.

The hardest part is feeling like I am unworthy of being loved (after all that’s what he tells me). After listening to some single people talking about match.com I thought about how I cannot even look for love.

God has not seen fit to rescue me from my despair in spite of my prayers for rescue or release.

So I wait. I pray. I cry. I journal. I write and try to do trust God in His perfect timing for the end of this pain.

How about you? Is there anything you can’t do?

Lilly Grace

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