My Deepest Need

We have an enemy and too often I forget that he coils like a snake, poised to strike when I least expect it.

And then the bite comes.

Always to my most vulnerable areas.

I need affirmation.  The attack will come on my worth and my abilities to do what God has called me to do.

I need love.  The attacks come in that being withheld and and venemous words are spewed forth that mean anything but love – only disrespect and disdain instead.

I need security. The attacks come in threats against my ability to stay in a house I love, or buy food we need, or take care of medical expenses that come up.

Why does this hurt so much? Because in my humanness I want these things from a man. I want these things from a husband. I want to know I’m loved and cherished and that somehow I will be provided for and that the things I do matter.  Even when I sometimes fail or have a bad day.

This is not my reality.

Sometimes I look for this elsewhere.  Friends?  But they all have their own needs too. And their responsibility is not as great as that of a person who has made promises before God and others.
How about those I minister with? Again, sometimes the strikes come from there as well. Friendly fire which sometimes comes as an arrow aimed to hurt but masked in pious language.

Chocolate? Oh, wait. That doesn’t quite work either.

So what’s a girl to do?



Seek to reorient myself to the One who made me, died for my sins and is ultimately responsible for my every breath. Ultimately I need to depend on Him. Why is this so hard?

David lamented as he hid in caves hunted by King Saul, separated from his wife and home and responsible for the care, safety and feeding of the men who were with him.

Similar to me shepherding my children while under attack.

But David, even though he was in sorrow and grief and wondering was able to comfort himself with the truth that God stored all his prayers in a bottle.  Every tear we cry is precious to our Heavenly Father. And then, in Psalm 56:9b he says: “This I know: God is for me.”

For me.  God is FOR me. Not against me like human sometimes are. He is FOR you too.

Love, security and affirmation. The holy, almighty, sovereign, eternal God of the universe – is FOR me.  He treasures my tears, how much more my life and basic needs?

Life is not going to get easier.  But if I can rest in the truth that a good and great God is FOR me, maybe I can make it through the day clinging to Him and not lamenting how those needs are not met elsewhere.  And trust Him for my next breath as well as where I will live and how I will feed my children in the months to come.

He has always been faithful. Always. I have no need to doubt that now.

So I will cry.

I will pray.

I will cling to Him.

How about you? What are your deepest needs?  Can you find your fulfillment of them in Jesus? If not, what’s keeping you from that? 


4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. findingthewaytogod
    Mar 16, 2012 @ 06:41:17

    Hi, I love this post. I’ve been really aware this week of how much I seek and rely on people’s admiration or approval, which always leaves a gaping gap in the armour where the enemy can strike. I’m praying for focus on God and his love.


  2. Jannelle
    Mar 18, 2012 @ 01:11:05

    Reading an article on spiritual warfare by Henry Wright and thought of your blog. He is talking about how Satan can get a foothold through rejection by the family head/husband/father. Wright goes on to personify “Rejection” as a demon. Fascinating to me is the context of this article in dealing with disease, psychological issues and learning disabilities in the offspring.

    “Many of the women are married, but there’s no connection between them and their husband. Many of the women’s fathers are alive, but there’s no connection between them and their father whatsoever. It’s just spiritually dead. That is a spiritual widow and that is spiritually the fatherless. Whether the father is alive or dead, whether the husband is alive or dead doesn’t make any difference, the spiritual dynamics are still the same. It is very, very important to understand this in dealing with Rejection.

    …(You) shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood anymore. Isaiah 54:4

    This is the Lord talking about His wife. Who is the Lord? It’s
    Jesus. The wife is the church. Look at verse 5.

    For thy Maker is thine husband… Isaiah 54:5”

    He goes on later to say,

    “Whether it was your mother, father, brother, sister, boss, teacher, husband, wife – any ol’ person who may have refused you, even in your youth, God will gather you unto Himself.

    For a small moment have I forsaken thee, but with great mercies will I gather you. Isaiah 54:7”


    • lillygracebrown
      Mar 20, 2012 @ 16:51:24

      Thank you for sharing that, Jannelle. Powerful stuff and it totally makes sense in so many ways. Partly why I have at times gone to my own pastor for assistance in making sure I’m on the right track with things because the church becomes my spiritual headship. I often think of myself as spiritually a widow as well. When rejection comes from those inside the body though – the pain is worse.


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